Park play

We had an absolutely beautiful day today, which meant going to the park!

















Baby girl has grown so much and is so confident in her world.  It is so amazing to see her just be so wonderful and fearless.  She did everything.

And of course we ended on the swings.

Because what is a day at the park without swinging for hours on end?

When citizens attack...

Have you ever had someone physically grab you and demand if you are your child's parent?

Yeah, I have.

And it happened at McDonalds.  Of all places.  Or maybe the perfect place to snatch a kid if you are a creep?  Who knows.

Either way, I'm putting this out there so people see some of the shit that doesn't get talked about with gay parenting.  The asinine amount of people who don't think your kid is yours.

So we were eating at McDonalds.  Myself, and 2 friends who both also had their kids.  They finished up early but we were still eating.  Their kids a 18months and 3, so sitting patiently is not their strong suit.  They went on ahead to toddler gym while I got baby girl settled to actually eat her lunch.

We were done, finally, and I tossed trash then grabbed baby girl to head up the street to gym.

Then it happened.

This woman, who I didn't even notice before the incident, came running up as I went to open the door.  Grabbing my left arm, which had my kid in it, whirled me around and demanded to know if I was allowed to take this kid somewhere.

What?

Excuse me?

Who the fuck are you?

I kinda stood there stunned for a minute.  Is this really happening?  Loudly in McDonalds?  Where we go WAY too often for this shit?  huh?

I stammered out that yes, I was her dad and we were leaving.  Instead of listening to me, this woman physically blocks my exit from McDonalds.

Now look, I'm not a big burly man... okay well I'm big but not burly.  I am also a pacifist who is rather non violent.  But she was really starting to piss even me off.

I kindly asked her to move, but I doubt she heard me over all her screaming.

"Where is her mother?"

"Are you legally related to her?"

"Where is her mother? Why is she not here?"

Because apparently being a stay at home father isn't a thing around these parts... and obviously her mother must be called immediately.

"She doesn't have a mother.  She's being raised by myself and my husband."  I try to be direct in these situations.  I mean, worse comes to worse she's a homophobe as well as an asshole.

She kept physically grabbing my arm and trying to prevent me from leaving.  All because my child is my child and she couldn't grasp a man having a child on his own.

"I'm going to call the cops!  Are you allowed to take this child?"  She kept screaming louder.

At one point the cashier that we typically deal with made the statement "Well he brings her in all the time", trying to defend me, which I appreciate.  But asshole lady was having none of it.

"Are you allowed to take her?!"

Finally I had enough.  Look, we all hit a breaking point.  My kid was clinging to me, out of fear, and I was thoroughly embarrassed... it was time to end this.

"Look trash, fuck off" was the last thing I said to her before pushing past her and going to the car.

Got baby girl in her seat and drove to toddler gym... and sat there for a minute texting with my husband.  Because I was shaking.  Because holy fuck.

My last text to him from that morning was "Yeah, pretty sure cops are gonna show up at our door..."  Because at that point, I was pretty sure she was calling the cops and giving my license plate number.  At least everyone at toddler gym knows me and can vouch for the fact that she is indeed my kid.

The cops never came... but man I was shook up for the rest of the day.  All because one woman wouldn't settle to listen.

And this is a part of gay parenting you don't often hear about.

Look, I completely understand being on the look out for child predators.  Paying attention so you can help someone in need is great for humanity.  But shouting and not listening... I mean, fuck.  What did she think?  I would drop the kid with her and run away?  I mean, really?  Even child predators aren't that stupid, and they are pretty stupid.

So the long story to give you a glimpse into life here.  It's not always pretty and fantastic.  It's sometimes scary as people grab you and scare your kid.  It's sometimes not okay in the slightest... and a reason why I won't go back to that eatery for a while.  Last thing I want to do is face the workers after that mess of a show.  I'm embarrassed... partly because of the woman and partly because I didn't know what to say or do to stop her.

I am no less than a mother

Recently I was doing some reading in a few groups I enjoy when I came across a father talking about how he'll never be as good as a mother because of biology.  I had to pause and kind of read that again to make sure I read it right. 

Then I sat with it, to figure out my initial reaction.

Then I got mad.

I am no less than a mother.  Biology gives XX designated people advantages to feeding children in the early days, yes, no one is denying that.  But beyond the ability to breastfeed (which I'm not knocking, don't come at me) there is not biological difference between a mother and a father. 

Except what society is telling you. 

Men shouldn't be caring.
Men shouldn't be loving
Don't show your emotions.
Man up, dammit!
Be a man
Don't be a wuss
You are so soft!
Men don't cry!
Knock it off, you're a man!

Those are not biological.  Those are societal. 

And it's time we stop believing this shit and realize we are every bit as emotional and loving as anyone else.  We are allowed to cry.  We are allowed to be hurt by something.  We are allowed to feel things.

When my daughter get hurts, she doesn't sit there wishing she had a mother in the family to hold her.

She runs to me.  She snuggles in close and lets her little hurts wash out. 

When my daughter gets excited about something, she doesn't stand there wishing she had some mother to gush to about her newest find (which at her age is usually a booger).

She runs to my husband, so excited to share. 

When my daughter gets angry, she throws her fits and doesn't wait for a mom to come hold her and tell her it's okay.

She has two dads who are perfectly capable.  And do it without a single "oh man, this isn't what men do" between us. 

So can we stop perpetuating this idea that men are somehow incapable of being emotionally present for a child?  Can we stop feeding in to toxic masculinity and ridiculous stereotypes of the patriarchal systems we can't seem to let go of.  Please.  For the sake of all our children.  Just stop. 

Dear Dad

What better way to celebrate father's day than to put up a post reaching out to all the dads whose kids will come out to them this year. 

I wrote this 2 years ago now.  It still applies today.  Pass this along to any father you know who may need it.  It's important. 

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

Take a deep breath, it will be okay.  I know, when you first hear the words "I'm gay" your immediate reaction may be to freak out.  That is not okay.  First, take that deep breath.  That boy in front of you saying those words?  He's still your son.  That girl who now hangs her head after telling you?  She is your daughter in need of some reassurance.  Reach your hand out, embrace your child.  They have just shared with you something that is going to forever change their life.  It's okay to have mixed feelings on the subject.  It's okay to need time.  But remember, that person in front of you talking, that is the child you have raised.  That is your child.  The one who has looked up to you, has needed your help, has been with you since they were young.  And right now, they need you again.  They need to know that you got their back on this one.

Take a deep breath, it will be okay.  The child in front of you is still the same child that he has always been.  She is no different than she was yesterday, it's just now she trusts you to open up to you about her life.  Please don't push him away.  Please don't make her feel like she is less than she was yesterday.  This is still your child.

Take a deep breath, it will still be okay.  The world hasn't stopped spinning just because your kid came out to you.  The sun is still setting tonight, it will still rise tomorrow.  There will be no cataclysmic event just because those words "I'm gay" were uttered.  If you need to take a moment to yourself, that is okay.  Just don't make a big deal about it, she doesn't need to see that her father thinks less of her.  Feel free to talk about it, all of it, but make sure it's with the right person.  Your teen who just came out?  He is not the right person to dump your fears and bigotry on.  There are people in the world who have gone through everything you are going through, seek them out.  But remember, your child just trusted you enough to let you in on their secret, treat that with respect.

Sun through the ice covered trees.  (c) Hawk

Take a deep breath, the world is still turning and everything is still okay.  No one is expecting you to be superman, and you don't have to expect that out of yourself.  Rome wasn't built in a day, and you probably find that your feelings aren't sorted out in one either.  Embrace your feelings, all the while remembering your child shared their soul with you.  Treat that appropriately.

Pride month + I live here

Every June, across the nation and beyond, people gear up for Pride month. 

So first, let me say, Happy Pride. 

You are amazing, you are loved, you are perfect just the way you are.

I wrote a lot of Pride month posts last year for another blog I write for.  I won't republish them all, but just be aware that there will be a few coming up.  Not all of them have to do with parenting, but I think you can all understand. 

Here's is one I wrote a year ago.  Enjoy.

I live here

I live here.  I live in the gay community. I live here.

I try not to live in the past, and I try really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, but when a straight person tells me what I am or am not allowed to be upset about it really pisses me off.  I don't speak 100% for the gay community... we are all individuals who are just put together because of who we love, but as part of the gay community I am allowed to have feelings on things and I'll be damned if straight people are going to tell me it's okay.

I live here.  I fucking live here day in and day out.  I am gay.  I cannot hide that I am gay.  I cannot pretend I am not gay.  I love a man with all that I am, no amount of pretending will change that.  I live this "gay lifestyle" every day of my life.  Please don't tell me what I'm allowed to be upset over.

I cannot stand this idea that because gay marriage is "settled" (which it's really not) that suddenly there aren't any problems in the gay community, and we are totally accepted.  More than once I've had someone tell me "Well, you all can get married now.  I don't get why you still feel the need to act like you are a minority."  Excuse me?

How many straight people are kicked off buses for kissing?  How many straight people are the target of crimes where they have homophobic phrases carved into their arm simply because they dare to be different?  How many children must die before we realize there is still a problem?  How many gay youth must attempt suicide before people realize there is a problem?  Gay youth are 4 times more likely to attempt suicide.  1/4 of all trans youth have stated they have attempted suicide in their lifetime.  I attempted suicide.  3 times in my life to be exact. When do people realize that LGBT people have a problem?

Newsflash:

THERE IS A PROBLEM.

So when a heterosexual person tells me "Well, I think it's okay" I really want to respond "Well if YOU think it's okay, then it MUST be okay!"  but I don't.  My goal is not to alienate people or make enemies... but sometimes I really wonder what people have to be thinking when they open their mouth. 

::I truly love straight allies.  I think they are the best thing since sliced bread, so please don't think I want straight people to not be around or to never speak.  But sometimes it's not about the allies, it's about those of us who live LGBT lives day in and day out.  I live here, I know what is going on in a way you never will.::

I live here.  Please just listen to me sometimes.  I live here. 

Until Next Time.

Updated living room

I know, I know, it wasn't long ago I gave you a quick peak into our living room.  A little under 3 months to be exact. 

Well it wasn't working.  Or it stopped working.  It worked great for a while, but then it just stopped. 

So we changed it!  Because we can.

About 6 or 7 years ago, my husband humored me and helped me make a shelf.  It is just a basic shelf.  Very basic.


Up until now this shelf has been in her room.  And it was working okay in there.  We kept a few choice materials in there for her.  But as we get into a rhythm, we found ourselves spending less and less time upstairs.  So the shelf was sitting unused.  Add that to the fact that our downstairs setup wasn't working anymore, and something had to change. 

So this weekend, husband and I decided this shelf would be better downstairs.  And so we moved it.

Add a few shelf boxes and suddenly we had a great way to keep some blocks for her to play with downstairs. 




All in all, the one day this has been up, has worked great.  We are starting to add new materials to her work shelf by her little table, and this gives her a chance to relax after work in the living room with the rest of the family. 

Pro tip: Always erase your measurements before

putting on your clear coat protection. 

All put together! 

Pikler Triangle

So do you have that friend who is amazing at things?  Well, we do.  We have a friend who is an awesome guy who is very crafty with woodwork.

And he came through for us in such an amazing way!

He made us a Pikler triangle!!

I merely gave him a website with plans for a foldable Pikler.  He took those plans and turned them into an amazing work of art! 

We are stoked!

Just look at this craft work.  It is amazing. 

And baby girl loves it too!  She is all over it. 

We are so lucky to have the friends we do!

Babywearing

So I love babywearing.  I have made numerous statements to that.

Well now baby girl has her first ring sling.  And she is in love! 

You can't see her face but I promise you she was all smiles!

And I'm sure her Moana dolly was super happy as well to be carried around all day! 

Babies wearing babies! 

Activist baby

Probably her favorite outfit in her wardrobe.  I swear

she wears it weekly! 

I was pondering the other day on Facebook if I had too many Pridewear stuff for my kiddo.  Granted, I do plan to raise little activists, because we need more, but I also want to be respectful of her choices. 

So this week I paid really close attention to the items of clothing she chose all on her own.  I wanted to see if she would pick the stuff I consider pridewear, or if she picked the other stuff.

I wasn't all that surprised in my findings.  But it did make me happy.  She chooses rainbows and other pridewear about 50% of the time.  On her own.  Amongst way more choices than any 1 year old should have. 

I think sometimes we can get bogged down with the idea that we are doing something our children don't like, or won't like. I sometimes wonder if straight parents have these same feelings.  Has a straight parent ever said "ohh, I need to make sure my child wears more rainbows.  I think I'm dressing her too straight"?  I really doubt it. 

So why do we over think?

Society.  The conditioning and constant "don't shove it down our throats" take a toll on you.

Lounging at a big box store.  Non pridewear but one of her

fave outfits!

Are you doing too much?  Are you forcing your personal beliefs on everyone, including your children? 

Well, everyone does actually.  Every single thing our children learn in their early years is because we choose to teach them that.  So of course I'm teaching baby girl that her daddies are perfectly normal and acceptable, even if sometimes society doesn't see it that way. 

And just like everyone dresses their child in a favorite color or character, I'm dressing our child in a very prideful way.  It just happens to be gay pride. 

And I'm okay with that. 

Because like I said, I am hopeful to raise an activist, who will not just sit on the sidelines and watch injustice, but who will speak up. 

She doesn't have to be front and center at rallies, or marches, or protests.  But I am hopeful that as she sees shit in her daily life, she will speak up. 

Love makes a family.  So true.

I am hopeful that she will never let her voice be silenced just because she is passionate about something, no matter what that is. 

If I can raise her to be twice as outspoken as I am, then I feel like I have done my job to make the world a better place.  Which is the ultimate goal anyway, right? 

So here's to our activist children.  Making the world a better place one well placed piece of pridewear at a time. 

This is a new outfit.  Her shirt says "I <3 my dads"

and her leggings are (red) leggings for HIV/AIDS

research.  She did not choose his outfit, but it's still perfect!